Back in the day there were only a few different kinds of toothbrushes. Basically, they were all the same, just different colors. You put your toothpaste on the end and you brushed your teeth until you were sure that your mouth was clean – or until your mother said you could stop brushing. There was, on some brushes, a little rubber spike on the handle end of the brush so that you could poke at debris and get those stubborn specks out of your mouth. But that was it. The only variety in the brushing world was different flavored toothpastes. There was your basic white, then there was a red gel, multi-striped swirls, and minty tasting concoctions. I always thought that the red, white, and blue striped paste was only to be used on July fourth; silly me. Lately though, there has been an invasion of different kinds of tooth brushing marvels.

The brushes of old were all manually operated. That is, you had to move the bristles this way and that way so that each part of each tooth received its hundred strokes (or was that the hair brushing thing?). Today, however, the racks at the pharmacy are choked full with gadgets that require copious instructions to figure out and to use. Some of the higher priced ones have a computer inside that little handle that will tell you how many minutes you have brushed and, I’m sure, will play you a tune of your choosing while you glide the vibrating bristles up and down each surface of your choppers. You can only imagine the cost of some of these things. I’ve seen prices up to forty dollars for a toothbrush – without the brush. For the price you get only the handle and a wire to plug it in (your choice of songs is extra). Then you buy the bristles, which come in a variety of sizes, shapes, and types. The bristles are as high tech as the handles as they have multi-colored bristles that will let you know when to change them, and what songs you must play to get the cleanest teeth. It is not unimaginable to spend fifty or sixty bucks for a toothbrush. Even then, you have to provide electricity to charge the handle. No electricity, back to the stone age for you, bud!

Maybe it’s a better idea to just go to the dentist once in a while and have your teeth cleaned by one of those nice ladies that do a better job of brushing your teeth than you do. They always give you a brand new manual toothbrush with your next appointment card. It’s sealed in a nice plastic wrapper to keep it fresh and clean until you decide to use it. I have a drawer full of these brushes, still in their protective wrappers, for when the community loses electricity. Then I’ll sell them on the street corner for ten bucks each. When I’ve sold them all I’ll have enough money to buy one of those expensive, electric, computer driven models that will play the songs that I like.